Recovering Romantics: Are we getting off on NOT getting what we want?

I think that for centuries we have been enraptured and completely enamored of the idea of “impossible love”, “unrequited love.” Blame it on courtly love and the poetry-spouting trabadours. Blame it on red hot Mame-don’t get me started on Rita Hayworth’s love life!

Its “Tristan & Iseult”, “Titanic”, “The Bridges of Madison County” and the greatest story ever told (over & over again), its all about the “Fever” and Romeo and Juliet. Sadly though in all these tales…the fever comes to an end.

Many seek their other “half,” their “twin flame.” You can count me in on that sentimental bunch. This other being will fulfill all that we’ve ever dreamed of and more, we will touch the heavens, become Gods if only for those moments that we are engaged with our Beloved. We will taste the sweetest nectar of beauty and truth. The dramatic profound sensation that this other being is the “one and only,” or “the one that got away.”

Who am I to mettle with people’s dreams and secret fantasies…I can only discuss my own experiences and my own thoughts based on observation. Here goes, I’m disrobing and can only hope you’ll respect me in the morning...

The sweet pain, the delicious ache and the passionate yearning to be with that person...ah! Nothing else has ever quite felt like this before! Of course you realize that the very status of “greatness” that is conferred upon that ideal relationship and/or person relies completely and exclusively on the fact that the relationship cannot be or the person is not

“brave/mature/deep/strong/unattached/unmarried ENOUGH

(fill in the blanks with your favorite word…I mean excuse)

or plain…”just too scared”…to follow through. In order for this relationship/person to be the special one there must be an ingredient of immaturity or non-commitment. So we the enraptured romantics hold on for this “special” person who takes on magnetic even mythic characteristics within our tortured hearts and beleaguered psyches. Unfortunately, we don’t get to be with these “soul mates” nor do we free our hearts to love another because after all…how can the sleep encrusted eyes of someone who gets up to throw out the trash and changes your kid’s diapers ever compare to the moist desirous eyes of the lover who just couldn’t get it together enough to love you completely? Hmmmm...THINK about it.

Well, I’m here to call your bluff. Yes, all you unrequited lovers hear me out.

You have plunged into one night stands and drunken fests as you thought only of HER lips or grimaced through date after boring date because “no one can make you laugh like HIM.” Or you’ve been celibate for about 5 years and ready to create your own religion as his picture sits on your altar till this day!

I’m here to say… you’ve played it safe. You’ve hidden behind the weak. You bet on the wrong horse BECAUSE YOU KNEW HE/SHE WOULD LOSE! Yes, my beloved romantic colleagues you…YOU…are the cowardly ones! Don’t hate me, I’m one of you and I didn’t do it consciously I swear.

You have picked someone who would ultimately let you down….so you could be this unfulfilled romantic. Basically so you wouldn’t really have to deal with the realities of love. I guess it’s so much nicer to fantasize huh? It’s so much nicer to go without, to ache, to miss one who will never be yours? NOT.

Okay, so before you stop reading and delete me with disgust. Read on. How many of us seekers would be able to step up if the love of our lives showed up? RIGHT NOW. HERE . In your face? Would you even be able to recognize them? Would you want to? Ummmm…I hear “well I need some time, I need to think about it…I need to…I need to…”

I need to get a GRIP. Yes, I get you and I understand. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been lied to, they’ve done a brazilian samba on the pieces of your shattered heart, you may have been cheated on and maybe even just plain left…from one day to the next without explanation. You may have had to do the leaving. You may have gone through so much you’re afraid to expect too much. Basically, at this point, if life is like a box of chocolates…you just hope the filling will taste good. Even if only for today. You may just be willing to live for a momentary satisfaction… can I blame you?

In truth we don’t know how long we have anyway. While I can’t blame you and I understand that life is temporary…why settle? Why settle for a fantasy, a drink and just momentary stimulation? All I’m saying is look deeper at the “whys” of your life and the “hows.” Figure out the “what (what you truly truly want if you could but dream alittle dream)” and set your intentions.

When we love we place another's needs/wants at the same level as ours...and often we place them above ourselves. At the heart of it, is self-love. Loving ourselves enough to know what is serving us and what is not. Loving ourselves enough to understand that perhaps its better to be alone than in draining or disappearing company. Loving ourselves enough that we face that love doesn't have to be THAT HARD. We don't have to run the romantic obstacle course so often. We have to acknowledge that we deserve the best: honesty, kindness, fun, laughs, commitment and mutual caring.

Listen, we the unrecovered romantics often have this psychological need to save someone, need to prove that we are the chivalrous few that are still brave enough to love forever even in the face of insurmountable odds ie…their fears, their religions, their ex’s, their kids, their parents, their childhood traumas, their issues…someone stop me I could go on forever.

Is something wrong with this picture? It’s all about THEM. Why is that? Why do we sacrifice our time, our love and our dedication? Will the pay-off, if it ever arrives be good enough? Or is the pay-off the actual sacrifices we make? Are we “getting off” on NOT getting what we want?

If someone showed up who had all their own baggage as we humans tend to but was willing to deal with it and with yours and live and love you fully? Could you do it? Take a moment.

Could you do it?

Or would you sabotage it? Would you compare, dismember and disregard them? Would you turn away every time their eyes mirrored some unacceptable reality that doesn't fulfill your romantic ideals? Would you pick them apart until there was nothing left? Would you take them for granted because they are so "available?" Until you met the next "unavailable/inappropriate" one that would snare your unsuspecting frightened heart?

I’ve left some of the men I’ve loved. It was tragic, sad. We cried under witnessing full moons, held each other into dusky dawns…our last moments together or until the next time we would rush into each others arms and swear eternal love. While emotionally there was a promise of a future, in the morning I walked away with a heavy heart but with easy breath. I was free, tortured but free.

There would never be in-laws to meet, babies to name, joint laundry to wash or even bills to share. We were young, ardent and mesmerized. I had reasons, and they were valid ones, “19 is too young to marry, I want to find out who I am before marriage & commitment,” etc. As time marched on, I figured out more or less who I was and who I was becoming. I grew less afraid and was willing to engage in more serious relationships but guess what? They were non-committal types…and the angst ensued. Of course I didn’t completely know that at the time but err….there were hints. Was I forever to leave my Beloved or struggle to hang in there until they were ready? I really was living a no-win situation.

I’m a risk-taker by nature. I’d rather do, than not. To think of never loving again is akin to death and who wants to rush the unavoidable? Loving is life at its best yet I’ve realized now through two decades of infatuations, true love and sacrifice that perhaps I’ve had a part in my own pain.

We can’t knock the roads we’ve taken because all roads lead to ourselves, our true path if we are brave enough to look. I am thankful for all I have lived and pray for the wisdom to create and accept a better love and thus a better life.

My biggest heartache took me for surprise several years ago. Yes, I knew his history and his patterns but I thought we were different, I thought our love was so great it could conquer all. Amor Vincit Ominia. As I found myself calling off my wedding two months prior due to an infidelity, I realized that I had hit bottom. Some said I was brave and strong for suspending the nuptials after 6 and a half years of a tumultuous relationship. I felt I had no choice.

Humiliating, insulting, disappointing, words cannot describe the immense pain and chaos I felt descended upon me. But in this earthly laboratory called LIFE, I had a spiritual alchemical reaction.

It went something like this,” Do you know who you are? Do you know what you deserve?”

Yes… was my tearful answer. “Good, so cut the bullshit.” I can’t say that my spiritual guides are always the understanding sort but you get my point. In that very moment where everything I thought I had and would have disappeared…a clear picture of myself arose. I realized that I loved myself and that my primary responsibility was to honor myself, my ideals and my dreams. Strong, loving, intelligent, sensual, passionate, loyal and creative… I was a woman to be contended with and not merely here on earth to settle for less. If I was a woman then I truly deserved a man, an honest and loyal one.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that full moons, rainy nights, candlit talks till dawn and “I love you’s” in the quiet of the night aren’t hot. They are. Very. It makes life juicy.

Now that I’m recovering I want romance in everyday life, I want counseling so Romeo lives, I want to marry him and write him poetry even in our eighties. I don’t want to talk in hushed tones with my girlfriends about “ the one that got away.”

I want the glow in my skin and the ease in my walk to speak for me and the peace I feel with the man I love. Yes, peace. Peace, entwined with passion and an understanding that we are individual's choosing to share a joint journey. I don’t want to feel heroic because once-upon-a-time I loved someone to pieces. No, I want to meet the challenges of keeping love alive each day. I want to be the everyday Hero of love that is not judged for one grand moment but for moments strung together to create the masterpiece of a lifetime. A lifetime, Yes…commitment-phobes I feel you quivering. Read on.

Choosing to love the same person, courageously, joyously and passionately. Of course, nothing is perfect and the rough times will come but knowing that we will get through them and keep loving is what I am seeking. I want in-laws to meet, I want babies to name, laundry for more than one and bills to share.

At the end of the fairytale where the Prince wins the Princess there is a subtitle that reads, “and they lived happily ever after.” Now wouldn’t that be a very grand story to tell? That’s hot.

That’s what I’m talking about.

She changes everything She touches

change (chnj)
v. changed, chang·ing, chang·es
1.
a. To cause to be different
b. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform:
2. To give and receive reciprocally; interchange
3. To exchange for or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category

It’s a basic component of human existence…change.

Sometimes we throw it around like an ill-used four-letter word and other times ignore it so as to turn abruptly and smack into it. Often we can hide out somewhat successfully, avoid life as much as possible but change will get you. You can ignore, lie to yourself, cheat and steal…but change will always get you.

Whether it’s the crow’s feet, your parent’s passing or the times and how they are “ a changin”…its inevitable. So faced with unavoidable truth some call upon it, coax it into existence, then either pull back or jump into it-committed.

Committed to what we don’t often know (perhaps to the expectations or beliefs we have), or to the moment and the fact that things will not remain the same. The worse experience of change of course being as in ol’ back-in-the-day cartoons, the piano falls on your head…OUCH.

With the work I do, I often suggest to people that they alter beliefs or how they are seeing what is actually occurring…when they say, “It’s who I am”…part of me wants to cry out, “No, its who you are choosing to be.”

We seem to think that we are a static entity composed of rules and designations created by our nature and nurture and anything different is---does not compute, does not compute. Honestly, there is a static part of ourselves that clings to dear life! The EGO. Change brings about fear because its very nature, transformation implies, in fact demands, an ending…a petit morte and not the hot, explosive “O” kind. And I’m not talking about Oprah here…

In many instances, and thank God they come often…I see a glimmer of acknowledgement or a sigh of relief and hear “ ahhh there is another way!” I jump for joy. Connecting to a greater awareness is what I live for!

Before the New Year, as most gather together thoughts of the past year and things they’d like to “change”, I was faced with some truths that needed my attention and my conscious surrender to change. I knew that making these “changes” would literally alter my landscape as they entailed releasing friendships that no longer served me, ideas about reality that no longer supported the YES! to the Universe I was seeking and a close relationship that truly had outworn its welcome.

I basically and quite overnight faced the fact that childbearing might not be in my future if I didn’t make some quick decisions. So I did. So quickly in fact, that I was sent spinning and was sporting the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) foggy gaze for about two weeks. As I let go of the familiar, I was shell-shocked and felt a bit like a vagabond wandering unknown streets…yes, with no names in fact.

My mind and spirit jumped in doing whatever it took and my heart and body dragged behind. Hormone free meat(I’m not ready to go vegan…have patience), organic fruits and veggies, herbs, exercise, meditation, visualizations and lots o’healing.

Yea, the kind you say, “No, I looked at that with my therapist years ago, no I burned that in the Sacred Fire or I saged that away at the last waning moon, No…I’ve done inner child work- really I have. Not! I had to look at some core experiences and beliefs that had shaped some of the things that were manifesting in my life.

Carolyn Myss, bestselling author & medical intuitive states that “our biography becomes our biology.” As I looked at my very healthy physical past and now realized that I had stuffed all my stress, angst and worries in one place. It was like my body was a house, well-made, strong, lots of light, plenty of space but I had stuffed all the extra stuff laying around in what I thought was a closet…turns out that it was supposed to be the baby’s room. What to do now but research, study and employ all tools necessary to move the stuff outta the room? And as quickly as possible, please.

So, here I am in a foreign country...the land of my foremothers and forefathers but I had not visited in 20 years-um yes, foreign. From cab to lab, to food to family, to cab to hotel and back to clinicians, my life took on an otherworldly, disembodied aspect. Nothing was familiar and this intense unfamiliarity increased the pressure pot sensation. While doctors ran around saying OPERATE!, family worried, friends prayed back home and I was overwhelmed…yes I called out to God.

Now, we actually have a relationship, it’s not a fair-weather friend sorta relationship either. I thank God during teary-eyed joyful times, and I honor Great Spirit with my spiritual practice and I call on the Goddess as I dance, breathe, make love or take luxurious baths. If there is one thing I know in this ever changing world is that there is an energy, a force a spark inside of me (and everyone else) that connects us to home, To all that Is and that in essence we are ONE.

Soon unexpected meetings, information, heavenly assistance as well as a loving ex suddenly supporting me in ways he never had during our relationship began evolving. The negative influences seemed to fall away from my life almost overnight as I committed myself to changing.The lovely coincidences, my sisterhood, the online specialists, the forums,
the healers, the shaman and Cabildo priest and priestess I met... all comprise my team of allies on this particular mission for change. It may take a village to raise a child, how about to re-birth one? I'll let you know when I'm done...as if we are ever done until we are "done" at least in physical form.

As I turned into 2011 I realized that I don't know the outcome of this wild ride and that I am at peace with it. I feel lighter ( and I literally am!), hopeful, ecstatic even! As I let go of the old, as I forgive and release what no longer serves me I am a co-conspirator in letting go of what I thought I was going to be, to become what I am becoming. And I tell you...I LIKE it!

I made a call, a request to the Universe for support and thankfully I was open enough to listen. As you turn into this 2011 year and perhaps watch your life shift, maybe crumble and your faith in the future sorta flag a bit...reach out. Reach out to your team of allies, your peeps, your tribe...if they are lacking make a request for new ones! We can't avoid change so why not be a willing participant?

Everything She touches changes...